The sound of the cars colliding was deafening–yet in that moment, the impact seemed to bring my world to a silent pause. There was no noise when the car finally came to the stop. One moment I was listening to the laughter of my children–the next moment the world was quiet.
Nothing prepares you for moments like these, moments that will be epically etched into the hardwiring of your memory. Moments that will quickly change the landscape of how you live your life. When I turned around, I saw that my children were ok–they were alive–I was alive. Moments like that change us because God gave us the chance to live.
In the weeks that pressed on after the accident, the pain and bruises left behind reminded me of God's protection. But more than that, God used them to remind me of all He had done in my life. God's redemption and transformation that had taken place several years earlier had become bland because I had become careless.
I spent so much time just going through life but not serving Him. I spent my time being broken and trying to fill the gaps in my own strength and not God's.
In the years leading up to the accident, I lost my fire, I lost my passion–I lost my desire to serve. I sought everything but the Word. Truth be told, I had put Him on my unimportant list. Everything else became more important than the One who changed it all for me. After the accident, I knew that God allowed me the chance to make a fresh commitment–a commitment that would never stale with time. The accident became a promise to God that no matter what, I would fully seek and serve Him every day.
God kept reminding me of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:9 when he said,
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (ESV). My greatest weaknesses were my unwillingness to give up control, my lack of desire to study His Word, and my failure to pray. Each one of these was keeping me from being what God needed me to be
The beauty is that when we hand over our weaknesses to our faithful Father, He can turn them into usable strengths through His power, through His Spirit. Areas of my life I never thought I would hand over to the Father have become the strengths that He has used to build my ministry and to reach women with His Word. In our weakness is where He is strong. Nothing is too hard for God. Not even our greatest weaknesses.
God brought me to a desperate place–a place where my weakness seemed far greater than His strength. I needed His Word to wash deep over me, but my unworthy thoughts created an impossible view when I sat down to His powerful Word. I could hear God nudge "Just open it, and I will provide for you."
When I opened His Word, I began slowly to unlock with renewed vision what God himself needed me to see. He began to crush the doubts and awaken the suppressed spirit within me. Because I was now tapping into His life source, I was drawing from the well. I began to see the transformation of what opening His Word would do–not just for me as a wife, a mother and a woman, but as a wholly loved, called, redeemed child of the living God. The greatest lesson of my life came in the darkest time in my spiritual journey.
The journey away from the darkest places in my life began by simply opening His Word. My dry soul needed water–living water, from the living Word. Friend, nothing in this life is too great for our incredible God, even in those places when we feel like we cannot fully see His plan.
When I began to sit at the feet of Jesus through the book of John a few months into this journey of His Word, I began to read of the blind man, the man that Jesus touched and gave sight to, simply for the reason so the grace of God would be displayed upon him. I may not have been literally blind, but I was spiritually blind before I gave my life to Christ when I was nineteen. I was spiritually blind but God restored my spiritual sight–so
I would display His grace.
I needed God to show me that in this dark place He had a plan, that when He changed my life all those years ago He didn't do it by mistake. He changed and transformed me with power and purpose to display Him–to display grace.
Grace that is messy and not perfect, grace that leaves evidence of itself everywhere it goes–not because of who I am, but because of who He is and the work that He is doing within me.
Friend, God has radical, grace-filled plans for your life, plans to bring you to a place where you will drip with His grace every step that you take. You see our purpose may be far beyond what we can see right now in the dark place we are in, but God sees us there. He meets us there, and it begins by opening His Word and letting Him provide the rest. There is no darkness too great for Jesus. There are no depths too low or high that He cannot reach us.
After my accident I had a choice to make, I had to choose between the pain I was feeling externally and the pain I was feeling internally. Focusing on the external pain wouldn't change my internal problem.
Which one was I willing to hand over to God? Was I willing to give Him the deepest places that longed so deeply for Him, even if it felt too impossible? Was I willing to place my hands in His and allow Him to fully lead me rather than it just being half way? God in His infinite wisdom knew the choice I needed to make–and He waited patiently for me.
Friend, He is waiting patiently for you. He is waiting gently for you to see your unquenchable need for Him. You and I are the blind man in John 9, and He is seeking to restore our sight and display His grace in us.
By Michelle Rabon
Originally published in Be Still Magazine, Issue 3.
