He prepares the hearts of His children. About a year and a half ago God burdened my heart to be in Scripture. For years before my tine in God's Word had been so hit and miss. I would do great for a few days and then miss a week. I grew up in a Christian home and went to a Christian college, and yet the idea of consistent time in God's Word was just something I struggled with. I had seasons in my life that I did better than others, but I made so many excuses for the times that I struggled. I was too busy, I wasn't a morning person, I couldn't find a Bible Study that I liked, and on and on the excuses went. And then one day as a brand new Mama I realized that it was time that this changed. I realized that I needed time with God each day, and the more time I spent with Him the more time I wanted to spend with Him. I went back and looked at my journal entries in the days before we lost Sophia and I was so comforted by what I found. He had been preparing my heart before I knew what was ahead. My last journal entry which was written the morning Sophia died while I felt her squirm in my belly said this, "God's ways don't always make sense to our finite minds, but we can always trust that His way is perfect. Help me to follow You no matter what, even when it doesn't make sense. Help me to trust Your heart and rest in You, for You are good" I find such comfort in knowing that He was teaching me what I didn't even know I needed to learn.
I have seen over and over again the peace that He brings through His Word, and the comfort that He gives when we spend time with Him, but I have been reminded of this again in the past few weeks. My mind goes to John 6:68 when Jesus asks the disciples if they will leave, Peter responds, "Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life." Where else can I run in this time, but to the God of all comfort. I have so much sorrow and sadness, my heart and my arms ache for my sweet little Sophia, but I have found so much hope and comfort in God's Word. Where would I be without this love that only Jesus can give?
There have been so many people that have told me that I am strong because I have turned to the Lord in this time of grieving, but I think that they have it backwards. I run to Him because I am weak, because I have nowhere else to run. I pour over His Word because it shows me there is comfort to be found in Him, and purpose to suffering. I am not strong...but He is.