Two women holding open bibles sitting next to each other. The closer woman has her hand resting on the bible page

When Relationships Feel Hard

“Why can’t everyone just get along with each other and never have any problems?” 

I knew the words were silly as I spoke them to my husband. They were unrealistic—but that didn’t make the desire any less real. My husband and I were discussing an acquaintance who was giving my husband a difficult time. And though the person wasn’t directly hurting me, the fact that they were hurting my husband caused cords of bitterness and resentment to wrap around my heart.  

Relationships are messy. No matter how hard you try to be in harmony with everyone, there will still come a time when either you hurt someone or someone hurts you. Like me, you might avoid talking to that person, hoping that things will just blow over on their own. Or you might be tempted to just give up on the relationship altogether. Difficult relationships become all the more complicated when they involve other believers. It’s hard when someone who has hurt you is the person you have to see at church every Sunday. It’s even more complicated when the person who has hurt you is your own spouse. How are we supposed to handle these relationships?

A Biblical View of Relationships

Before we discuss how to respond biblically when relationships feel hard, let’s consider what Scripture says about relationships and how we define difficult relationships. The Bible shows us that we were created for community. When God created Adam, Adam didn’t have anyone like him. So God created Eve. Without the presence of sin, Adam and Eve lived in harmonious relationship with one another. But this all changed when Adam and Eve disobeyed God. Sin brought brokenness into the world, creating brokenness between Adam and Eve (Genesis 3). This brokenness now infiltrates all our relationships, causing conflict, pain, and strain. 

We were created for community | TDGC

What Is a Difficult Relationship? 

Sin has brought about difficult relationships. But what exactly are difficult relationships? Difficult relationships are relationships in which there is some form of tension or hardship between two people. This hardship might be felt by both parties, and there is likely a known conflict and struggle. Or maybe, one person in a relationship struggles and the other person may or may not be aware. 

It is important to note that—in this particular conversation—the difficult relationships we are speaking about are not abusive relationships. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, we encourage you to seek immediate help. In this conversation, we are referring to relationships facing everyday difficulties, whether it be with a snarky mother-in-law, drama-prone sister, or a spouse who never seems to be on the same page as you. Though difficult relationships are hard and complicated, we have a high calling as believers to love and be at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18). This might feel impossible depending on the circumstances of our difficult relationship. But Scripture shows us what we can do to seek harmony within even the hardest relationships. 

How to Respond Biblically When Relationships Feel Hard

Pray and seek wisdom

It can be so easy to spiral into discouragement or fall into bitterness when you’re in a difficult relationship. The more you simmer on these feelings, the more discouraged and agitated you may become. This is why we should take our feelings about our difficult relationships and any situations we’re experiencing with difficult relationships to the Lord in prayer. David is a good example of this in Psalm 55, as he prays to the Lord regarding betrayal by a friend. When a relationship hurts us, we can ask God to give us His comfort and peace. When we don’t know how to handle conflict with someone, we can ask the Lord to give us His wisdom. God in His grace has also given us wise counsel in the form of Christian community. So as you bring your cares to the Lord, share with trusted believers about your difficult relationship, asking them to give you wisdom on how to navigate that relationship. 

Assume the best

Difficult relationships can tempt us to think ill of the other person we’re struggling with. While there may be valid reasons for your frustrations, that doesn’t mean that you should think or speak unkindly about that person. The more you make negative assumptions about someone, the more you may build a narrative about them in your mind that isn’t true. 1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that “love believes all things.” Loving someone involves assuming the best of them. Even if someone has wronged you, it’s helpful to try and see things from their perspective. Seek to understand where they are coming from and why they might be acting in a sort of way.  You might just find your heart softening toward that person as you do. 

Seek biblical counseling

Even with your best efforts in a difficult relationship, you might need help from a third party. This could involve seeking biblical counseling. You might choose to process through your pain or seek solutions for conflict resolution with a counselor. But you might also seek biblical counseling together with the person you’re struggling with. If you’re experiencing difficulty with a spouse or family member, see if they would consider going to biblical counseling with you. Or you can ask your pastor or another church leader to mediate between you and another person. Matthew 18:15–16 gives us a picture of this type of interaction. If someone faults us and they don’t listen to us in private confrontation, we can involve one or two others to help bring about resolution.

Forgive

When others hurt us, forgiveness may be the last thing we want to do. But refusing to forgive only causes bitterness and resentment. Ephesians 4:22 tells us that we are to forgive one another because Christ has forgiven us. So even if someone hasn’t asked for your forgiveness, still choose to forgive them.  Forgiving others who have hurt us is really difficult, especially when they don’t think they have done wrong. Ask God to help you forgive in these instances, trusting that He will give you the strength you need to forgive others. 

We are to forgive others because Christ forgave us | TDGC

Set boundaries if necessary

In some difficult relationships, setting boundaries might be the wisest decision. You can love others while also giving yourself distance from them. If you’re having an issue with a family member, boundaries could look like only seeing them at family gatherings. If you have a drama-prone sister, you can set boundaries with your sister on how often you will talk to her on the phone. Setting boundaries might feel unloving, but we actually love others by not perpetuating their behavior. So draw lines if necessary, while also choosing to be loving in your interactions with them. 

God empowers us to pursue peace with others | TDGC

While relationships will often remain broken on this side of eternity, God empowers us by His Word and Spirit to pursue harmony and maintain peace with others. So continue to seek God’s help in your difficult relationships, trusting that He will not only give you strength and wisdom but that He can also bring about change in the relationships that feel hard. 

Additional Resources for Working Through Relationships When They Feel Hard: