WC: 1720

When I was twenty-one years old, I decided to leave my church. I had several reasons for this decision. I had been attending that church since kindergarten and wanted something different; I had just gotten my heart broken by a guy who went to my church; the situation with the guy had also created some conflict between me and my other friends at the church; and after I had been studying theology in college, I wasn’t sure I agreed with my church’s theology anymore. For me, this list seemed to provide a solid reason to search for a new community.

With full confidence, I woke up the next Sunday, put on my best dress, and wandered into a church I had never attended and where I knew no one. For several weeks, I attended various churches in my area—churches of all different denominations and traditions—but the process was exhausting. After weeks of thinking, praying, and talking with other Christians in my life, I became so overwhelmed by the process that I stopped going to church altogether. However, after a few weeks of this, I felt convicted and wandered back through the doors of my old church with a look of defeat.

Throughout most of Christian history, people did not have much choice as to which church they attended. For one, before the invention of cars, people could only attend a church they and their family could access on foot, and in most cities and towns, there was only one church. But even as more churches began forming near others—after the Protestant Reformation especially—people were still inclined to stay at their church because society as a whole was communal, which meant that people would usually stay in the communities they grew up in, remain close to family, and in turn stay at the same church their entire lives.

But in the last hundred years, all of that has shifted. More people have access to transportation, so they can travel however far they want or need to get to church. There are more churches and more denominations or sects of Christianity to choose from. And Western society is now shaped around individualism and consumerism. These factors together mean that Christians today have almost unlimited options for where they choose to worship, so it is more and more common for Christians to choose to leave one church for another.

But when do we know if this is the right decision? Christians leave churches for many reasons now. It could be because they disagree with the church’s theology or because of conflict within the congregation. It could be due to political or cultural differences or because they don’t like the style of worship music. It could be because of the children’s curriculum, the preaching, the quality of coffee, the way the congregation dresses, or the time of the service. The list goes on. We are really good at finding reasons for leaving our church, and with so many options available, who is to stop us?

Yet, perhaps we should pause a little longer before walking out the door. As Christians, we shouldn’t make any decisions related to our spiritual formation and growth lightly. If you are considering leaving your church, there are some questions you can ask yourself before making the final decision. It is absolutely possible that leaving might be the right thing to do, but this is a big decision and one worth thinking deeply and praying deeply over. Here are some questions you can reflect on as you decide.

Am I Treating Church Like a Commodity Rather Than a Community?

While church is absolutely a gift from God, it does not exist purely for our benefit and pleasure. The church is called to be a community of believers who care for each other, which means that every member of a church is called to give to others while also receiving. When the church was first formed, we are told,

All the believers were together and held all things in common. They sold their possessions and property and distributed the proceeds to all, as any had need. Every day they devoted themselves to meeting together in the temple and broke bread from house to house. They ate their food with joyful and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. Every day the Lord added to their number those who were being saved (Acts 2:42–47).

While the organized church has grown, shifted, and become more structured over the last two thousand years, authentic community centered on Jesus Christ and His teachings is and always will be the heartbeat of the church. But in today's consumer-centric culture—where everyone is looking to gain more and optimize their life and experiences—it is easy for us to turn church into something more like a trip to the mall.

Before leaving your church, it’s wise to deeply consider why you are thinking about leaving. If this self-evaluation reveals that you are unhappy with some superficial aspect of your church—the age-old example of this is the color of the carpets—perhaps this is an opportunity for you to plug in deeper and begin to look for opportunities to serve rather than merely be filled by your church.

If this evaluation reveals a deeper reason for you considering leaving, this principle still applies as you begin to look for a new church. While “church shopping” is a common phrase used to describe this process, it is good to remember you are not looking for a new car. You are looking for a community where you can give and receive; where you can learn and teach others; and where you can come alongside others as you all attempt to live lives worthy of your calling in Christ.

Is There Conflict That Needs to Be Resolved?

Because the church is a community of people, you will almost certainly run into conflict at some point. With all the backgrounds, opinions, and personalities that come together in a church, you are bound to find disagreements, offenses, and hurt feelings.

When conflict arises, the church has a unique opportunity to show the world what it looks like to resolve conflict in light of the death and resurrection of Jesus. Second Corinthians 5:18–19 says, “Everything is from God, who has reconciled us to himself through Christ and has given us the ministry of reconciliation. That is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and he has committed the message of reconciliation to us.” Here, Paul points to the beauty of the gospel. We were sinners, separated from God, but through Christ He reconciled us back to Himself—resolving that conflict through His blood.

But Paul doesn’t stop there. He goes on to say that Christ has now given us “the message of reconciliation.” We now can preach what God has done both through our words and through the way we reconcile following conflict with each other. Jesus even gives us a pretty precise formula for working through offenses and conflict in Matthew 18.

Therefore, if the reason you are considering leaving your church is because of conflict, you can ask yourself if there is anything further needed from you to work toward reconciliation. In a different letter, Paul encourages Christians to, “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). You may not be able to maintain fellowship with someone, and it might be best to go your separate ways, but first, make sure you have done all in your power to see reconciliation.

What Sin Needs to Be Addressed, and How Should I Address It?

We have already seen two ways our own sin can creep into the decision to leave our church. Perhaps we are thinking of church as a commodity, or perhaps we are refusing to resolve conflict. This question invites us to consider what other ways we might be sinning, but it also allows us to evaluate whether we have been sinned against and if there are any further actions we should take.

For instance, if you are considering leaving your church because of abuse or a moral failing from someone in leadership, it would not be wise or beneficial to quietly leave the church and act like nothing happened. If something happened that was illegal, report it to the proper authorities. If it was something wrong or sinful but not illegal, find the proper channels of accountability and report it there (this goes back to Jesus’s guidance in Matthew 18). You do not have to remain at a church where there is grave sin or harm being perpetuated, but as you are leaving, it is a good idea to make sure you have done what you can to prevent anyone else from being harmed.

How Can I Best Promote Unity in This Situation?

If we have answered the first three questions and are still unsure of what the right thing to do might be, we can ask ourselves how we can best promote unity. In many situations, the answer to that question is to stick it out. We can swallow our pride, let go of our tightly-held opinions, forgive someone who wronged us, and continue on in harmony with our church until the next conflict or issue arises.

But in other cases, it is not that simple. Sometimes we develop new convictions and begin to disagree on doctrinal issues. Sometimes we realize that something about our church just isn’t right for someone in our family. Sometimes the reasons are even more practical than these—we move further from the church, we get a new job and need a church service on Saturday instead of Sunday, etc. In these instances, we wouldn’t be causing disunity and conflict if we left—in some cases we might even cause disunity if we stayed.

Ultimately, no person or blog post can tell you exactly how to make this decision. It is a big one. But through prayer, wise counsel, and with lots of humility, God will show you—one way or another—how to make the decision in a way that honors Him and aligns with His Word.

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Author Bio

Beth White is a Staff Writer for The Daily Grace Co. She is passionate about studying and teaching God’s Word. When she is not writing about the Bible, you can find her reading classics, drinking coffee with friends, or spending time with her family.

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